Biorythms

Moved

2009-10-30T21:47:00.001-07:00

I messed up this layout, and I kind of want a semi-fresh start.

I'm at BIORYTHMS Chimaera here.

See you there.

Taking A Deep Breath

2009-10-26T14:01:00.001-07:00

And calming down.

So I had a bad panic attack about grad school. It lasted a whole day, with the crying and the yelling and the negativity and the "OMG MOM I'M NOT READY FOR THIS NO WAY CAN I DO THIS"

Yeah, it was really bad. I can be a real immature brat at times.

The problem is, applying to my university was way too easy for me. I only applied to one, and I got into it. Easy. Couple of fun essays (something along the lines of "if your life was a five course meal"), couple of recommendations, and BAM! I was in. I didn't send out applications to more than once school. I just got in where I wanted and kicked back from there. I made the mistake of assuming grad school applications would be the same way.

Thus was I kicked in the ass.

I had planned on going Masters first, then PhD later. Everyone said that was okay, then later no, go PhD first, then Nah, Masters should be fine. Don't take a year off. Do it now. Get it done. The pressure built up so much that I was stressing out as soon as I opened an online application. Which obviously went to the panic attack. And I freaked out on my mom and boyfriend and anyone who would listen. Gah.

But now I'm fine. A bit more serene. A little less confused about what I want to do or where I want to go. I found a couple programs I'm interested in, though I still need to choose between child/adolescent counseling, family/relationship counseling, and mental health counseling, but it's a nicer sort of comfort zone where I'm not freaking out.

Here's to hoping this lasts!

Digging A Ditch

2009-10-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

I just watch this guy do it over and over and he knows he's coming off as an asshole, but he doesn't care. And that would be fine, if he wasn't trying to change people's minds about something. People don't change their minds when you act like an asshole to them, when you undermine and ignore them. People change their minds when you work with them, when you explain things, when you concede points and when you chill out. Yes, sometimes people are wrong. Being assertive about it, good. Being accusatory, pushy and antagonistic? It doesn't work!

Why do people act this way?

Sure it could maybe work if the people you were being antagonistic towards had some reason to fear a repercussion. But if you have no power and they do, why would you dig your own ditch? Chill out. Reason it out. Bring some evidence. Don't bark like a yappy dog, sit down and be mature about it.

Mature people don't spend their time being bullheaded.

I am such a bad blogger

2009-10-18T09:32:00.001-07:00

Blogging is haaaaard.

Okay, not it's not. But it's crazy difficult to get up the urge to write when you're sitting on grad school applications (and so terrified of them you're paralyzed) and you're worried about money and depressed because your boyfriend is thousands of miles away and ohmygoodnessI'memo.

Sigh.

The real kicker is, I have ideas of what to write here all the time. All. The. Time. And yet I forget. I forget over and over and over. And it's always while I'm walking and there's no paper handy. And when I'm sitting in my room, all there is to talk about is my weird roommate who disappears from time to time.

Perhaps I'll talk about her one of these days, and why I refuse to refer to her with her actual name unless she's around (I don't even understand this).

But, well, that's my excuse(s). Pretty lame, huh?

More Music

2009-05-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

What I've been listening to lately.

Nom Nom Orchestra

2009-04-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Awesome song. Hit play on one, then wait a bit and hit play on the second.

Nom nom ORCHESTRA

Hey, Julie, Look What You're Doing to Me...

2009-04-14T07:50:00.001-07:00

So I have this "friend," Julie, who recently has tried to get back in contact with me. And I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.

When we were in high school, we were good friends. At least...ish? Looking back on it, I'm not so sure. But, anyway. I was always there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on (and she needed it a lot), and we did a lot of things together. Marching band, drumline, parties, etc.

But she also had a lot of other friends, friends who often came before me. Eh, that's fine, I don't have to be the center of the universe. But some of them were also my friends, but I would be...forgotten. Always inviting her to things, I never understood (and still don't understand) why she would forget to invite me the majority of times we did things. A lot of it maybe had to do with how I was raised; I have big issues asking if I can go to things. I was taught that inviting yourself (or asking if you can be invited) is a bit rude, and so I could never bring myself to say "hey, can I go?" thinking that if they wanted me there, they would have invited.

Still, we were pretty close.

Then came college, and we faded out. A lot. As in, five minute conversations, max, here and there. I come home from college and hang out with our mutual friend Steve, and he tells me about events she's held at her house. When I bring up that I never knew about them, he tells me he had mentioned me to her, and she had avoided the subject.

No idea here.

Now she's having this drumline reunion at her house, and I'm not sure I want to go. I miss my friends from drumline but... I don't know.

She also wrote a note on my facebook (something I haven't logged onto for eight months plus) saying we needed to get together and catch up. I invited her to many things last summer that she never bothered to show up for (she came to my birthday for fifteen minutes, late, before running off). I'm just...not sure.

I don't know how to say "why have you been ignoring me?" without making things awkward. Maybe I don't want to know the answer.

It's just become very clear to me how self-involved she really is, and I'm not sure I want to be involved with someone like that.

Something to think about.

Stream of Consciousness: Confidence, Anger, Uncertainty

2009-04-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

I am not a very confident person. I just never have been, since I grew up to understand repercussions. I don't know what about disappointment, about the fear of being wrong or upsetting others, is so totally crippling. Even with standing up for things I think are right is just so completely crippling. I do it, but I never feel good afterwards. There's still this horrible feeling in my chest, like a clod of lead just rotting out my inside.

I used to be scared of yelling. Not just other people yelling, but myself as well. If I yelled at someone, I would get the shakes and almost cry, even if I was justified. Now it's not so bad, but I still can't seem to do it. Whether I'm in the wrong or the right, people can make me feel like shit for yelling. They can always say something to make me feel like I made a poor choice, and how dare I be angry.

In the end, getting mad always seems to end up making me feel worse.

I'm not supposed to bottle up emotions anymore. And I'm trying very hard not to. But sometimes it's difficult for me to tell if I'm bottling or rationalizing. Sometimes it's very clear, but other times when I calm myself down from being angry by saying "oh, it's not worth getting upset over" I have to wonder if that's almost the same thing. I got angry, but was it worth it? It was obviously worth getting angry over at the time, but...was it really?

It's like how my dad has this book called "don't sweat the small stuff." He's always getting upset over very little things, and he's trying to stop. And I don't want to be like that. But lately the anger seems to be building up, and I don't know if maybe it's because I can't express anger.

I don't like anger. It bothers me. It can hurt people. It can wreck good things and make them bad. It can ;q fuqc;rnwliytfqlvmsln8a79rbc4o0389p wrgqfiu3gfc rsv

I don't even know anymore.

I hate uncertainty.

The Weight of the World

2009-04-03T22:33:00.001-07:00

This is how I'm beginning to feel. And it feels much better than how I have felt most of my life.

I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly

I don't know why I was so afraid... all the time
Memories seemed to bother me.. my whole life

I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly
I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly

I don't know why I was so ashamed
Such a waste of time
And I don't know who I was trying to be
All those lies

I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly
I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly

Oh and there's always something
Or somebody right behind
Well we're not meant to be everything
We're just a piece
So spread your wings
Oh I don't know why I was so afraid all the time

I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly...

BRAAAAAAAAINS

2009-04-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Watch more Onion News Network videos on AOL Video

This Blog

2009-03-31T09:16:00.000-07:00

I always get to a point where I don't know what the point of this blog is. I'll write in it for a while, but then later I'll wonder why I don't just talk to people about these things instead of writing a story. Then again, it's really hard to tell people everything that happens without feeling like I'm repeating myself.

Then I suppose there are random thoughts that don't come up in regular conversation. Some of the things on this blog would be really weird to just blurt out, you know? At least without the preface "So, I've been thinking..."

And I'm constantly, constantly worried I talk about myself too much. When speaking, that is. On a blog, it's my blog so of course I'm going to talk about me mostly. I don't really pretend to know what you guys are doing all the time or what thoughts you're having.

It's a nice place to vent, but I don't want to fill it up with negativity. And I'm so picky with layouts that even this one is starting to wear on me (I hate the all-caps thing it does...).

I'm just not sure. Something to think about, I suppose.

Back to reading about samurai.

And acoustic

I believe in you

2009-03-23T17:04:00.001-07:00

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

2009-03-18T13:47:00.001-07:00

I love the Daily Show

2009-03-11T11:45:00.001-07:00

Everyone should read this.

Seriously.

It's like I'm actually growing up!

2009-02-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

I finally, today, opened my own checking account. It's not on my dad's account. My mom is going to know the number because she wants to give me money so I can take my grandparents out to dinner. But otherwise...it's just mine.

Weird, in it's own way. I'm not ready to be an adult!

Frustration

2009-02-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

I hate when my blog becomes somewhere that I just sort of rant and rave, but I hope you'll bear with me for at least a few weeks. I'm so frustrated and disgusted with...people, persons...stuff...that I may have a lot to get off my chest. I'm worried about myself, and other people, and feel bad, and feel guilty, and feel upset at myself when I'm lazy, and I feel pressured, and distracted, and self-critical.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling this way.

Well, that was painful

2009-02-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

I did a ten-man Naxx last night and it was probably the worst time I have ever had on a raid.

Yes, I know this is my rl blog, but I don't care so much. I can't put this on 4 Haelz because really, all it is, is whining, and I have friends who read it and it could become a giant cluster-fuck of stupid. So, anyway.

This is the second week I've run Naxx 10 with this guild. First week was great. No undying, obviously, but we did well. No huge issues, and it was fun.

This week, though, there was:

Face-pulling of trash by DPS
Calling the healers poor players
Blaming the healers for wipes.
Tanks laughing because they were in DPS gear
Still calling healers bad even after they've healed a tank through a boss who is wearing DPS gear
Purposeful sabotage of other players so that they die
Multiple-pack pulling causing healer death.
Wipe on KT because two people face-pulled skeletons and took ten minutes to admit the blame
DPSing in tank gloves

And then after that, the guild leader of the guild I was running with announced that the girls in the raid needed to talk in Vent more, or they won't be coming next time. He also said, perhaps in jest, that we needed to repeat him, saying "Thank you, guild master ____, for letting us come on your Naxx run." I told him he was not my guild master, and I could go with other guilds. He repeated himself, so I left the raid and Vent. I don't want to be treated so poorly.

The only thing is, how do I tell my friend that running with his guild is a pain? They've moved their raid schedules around a couple of times so I could go, they've given me gear, and the first time was fun...do I give them another chance (if they invite me again at all), or do I just say "enough is enough"?

I have never whispered to someone "If they're going to keep blaming healers for stupid shit, I have better things to do with my time" before.

Something to think about.

I am sorry I have neglected you...

2009-02-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

/dust off

'Sup, blog? I didn't mean to leave you alone. I just got caught up in doing so many other things, as well as purposely not doing things. I still love you. And to prove it, I'm finding you a new layout. I promise, it'll be beautiful! Or, at the very least, interesting.

And for those of you who are not my blog, I am sorry for my shoddy posting. It's really because I'm a boring person. :P

Music Compilation Part 2

2009-01-22T17:33:00.001-08:00

First two are for you, Jordan. The last two are just...songs I like. :)

Compilation of Music, Part 1

2009-01-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

More to come.

Phew

2008-12-08T05:53:00.001-08:00

Semester is almost over! Semester is almost over!

WOO!

:3

wewt!

2008-11-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

amg posting from my iPod!

Not Even Human to You

2008-11-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

I'm awake right now because it's Thursday night/Friday morning before people get to go home and they just don't care anymore. I can't catch them, but they run up and down the halls yelling and just generally enjoying themselves at the expense of people who need sleep.

And the added "fuck Dani" and the knocking on my door and running is really...petty. I have written up two people this semester. I have helped anyone who asked. I have done all I can to catch up in my missed training. And they decide it's..."cool" to make my life hell.

I don't get it. They don't think about how this could hurt me, how it could upset me, they just do it. Nevermind that they would hate it in my position; you can tell because none of them will even attempt to take my job when the opportunity is offered.

None of them want to get to know me. None of them want to understand my position.

They just want to hate me and get their own way.

My Blog is a Music Catalogue

2008-11-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

:D

This is for Jordan, though he's heard it already. I don't want to lose the song.

I wanted so bad...

2008-11-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

...to participate in NaNoWriMo.

But I can never seem to find the time to write.

/sigh.

Dark Blue

2008-11-07T07:03:00.001-08:00

The White Jester Meets Belial

2008-10-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

The baphomet floats beside her with his legs crossed for about a minute, leading her down a straight corridor. For the first time in a while, Jester can see walls around her, lighting up as they come closer much like the floor. At last, they reach a chamber with a ceiling low enough for her to actually see it. There is a small chair in the chamber, made of wood and with a thin cushion on the seat. "Feel free to take a seat," says the baphomet with a deep and echoing voice. "And tell me what you have to say. My superiors want to be certain that this information is worthwhile before they are bothered with it personally..."

The Jester hops onto the back of the chair and crouches there, still looking around. "I don't know. You seem more like a pawn to me. A grunt, a lackey." The Jester sniffs. "I don't like dealing with lackeys." Still, she does a tight tumble forward into the chair to sit down. "Fine, fine. Here, I'll lay it out." She cracks her knuckles and wipes the sheepish grin off her face, replaced with a manic sort of grin. "The Divine have a human, a sort of enhanced super soldier, at least by human standards." She scoffs at this. "He seemed rather important. They had a miniature army out after him. Orm, that traitor to the Divine and what-not, he's gathering some sort of force to get the little tool back." She finally looks directly at the baphomet. "Seems important enough to me. What do you think, lackey?"

The baphomet listens to this silently and at last nods in responce to the Jester's query. It speaks quietly, mostly thinking out loud. "Indeed, the idea of the Divine having control of a human this early could end badly for everyone else, and certainly badly for the Damned..." It looks up to Jester and addresses her, saying, "I shall inform my superiors of this, and someone other than a 'pawn' will be here to learn of the details, if you've any more to add..." With that, it begins floating out of the room, never turning away from Jester as it moves. At last it takes a turn and vanishes from sight, leaving Jester alone in the dark room.

The Jester calls after the baphomet "I meant 'pawn' in a good way!" Then settles in to wait and see who else will arrive.

For a few minutes, Jester waits in the darkness alone. Finally, she can see lights in the hallway beyond, a figure standing in the center of them. Before long, she can see a figure walking down this hallway. Finally he stands before her, about 5'10" tall and with a medium build, though it's somewhat difficult to tell beneath his robes of a dark green color. His auburn hair is long and combed back perfectly, falling to the middle of his back and decorated with a golden circlet. The man's face is angular and youthfully handsome.

He does a slight bow before Jester, and holds his hand out to her, and a rose with petals colored black and white grows from a seed clutched in his hands in a matter of seconds. "My apologies for your wait, Jester. I am known as Belial, and I've been told that you've an interesting story to tell me..." Jester would quickly recognize the name as that of a very high-ranking member of the Damned, who reports directly to Samael.

The Jester cocks her head to the side, and a hand waves over her face revealing a most gracious smile. "I do?" She rocks back, then leans forward with a start. "Oh! I do!" She straightens up like a kid caught napping in school. "I...I lost my trains of thoughts for a moment." She tilts her head only slightly, now looking at this new demon fully. "I like you. You're not a pawn. Which I mean in the best way." She then somersaults off the chair to sit on the floor. Looking up at Belial, she says "The Divine have some sort of super-technicized human who isn't quite as tender as your average run-of-the-mill squishies. They have plans for him, and they're jumping in early. And some traitor." She pauses, as if it is the end of a sentence, then continues "Some traitor named Orm. He's all gung-ho to go in and lead some misfit team in to save the little flesh-fool." She strikes at the ground. "And one Hurkos had the gall to say I would betray them. I was just standing there! What rot. What rubbish." A flash of the hand and her mask is purely innocent. "Do I look like someone who would betray them?"

"A pawn?" Belial smiles, revealing perfect teeth. "Nay, more like a bishop, or maybe a rook." He straightens up a bit and adopts a slightly more serious expression, though he is still smiling. "You certainly don't look the sort to betray them, and it was so nice of you to come to us to let us know so we can... ah... help them. So the divine have a sort of super human? If I might ask, how 'super' and is he helping them willingly?"

The Jester starts to laugh, clutching her sides and rocking back and forth. "That one? Willingly?" She giggles like a demon possessed, then, calming herself, she takes a deep breath and says "Of course not." She waves a hand in the air as if to dismiss the very idea. "He's completely distrustful of demons of all shapes and sizes. He stabbed a kodama for goodness sake." She taps her chin. It looks comical without the change in mask from the puppy-faced pleading. "How is he 'super'? I wouldn't call him 'super'...He has creepy-crawlies in him and his eyes see things they shouldn't. And sticky-wings Tarakir took some interest in him, so he's probably got something else special up his sleeve." She shakes her head. "He hates me so much. It's very sad. I mean...I only held a knife to his throat once."

Belial's smile widens a bit as Jester finishes. "Just once, and he already hates you? The nerve of some humans..." He is obviously being sarcastic about this, then adds as a side-note, "Still, a human managing to stab a kodama is quite a feat, so he is certainly no ordinary fighter." He shrugs a bit, then continues, still smiling, but with a more serious tone. "So Tarakir is a player in this game as well? Then perhaps Baal is as well. Quite an interesting party brewing around this man." Here, he suddenly frowns and places a finger on his chin. "Yet no one wanted to invite the Damned? How incredibly rude. It was quite kind of you to tell us; we're certainly going to have to get in on the fun."

"Oh, would you?" The Jester hops up, a hand transforming her face to positively excited. "I don't think anything's really a party without the Damned around to stir things up." She giggles, delighted. "I knew I could count on you! You're always so willing to lend a hand. As it were..." Suddenly, the Jester stops, standing perfectly still and upright. For once, her mask changes without her hand waving over it, the expression morphing and twisting into one much more dire. "...I'd like to ask a favor, if it isn't too presumptuous. You see," the expressions lock into place to reveal the twisted gaze of a cold-blooded killer, "I believe I told you a demon insulted me most grievously. I had hoped that, in exchange for clueing you, your pawns and your superiors in, that perhaps you could arrange some sort of...punishment..."

The demon smiles again at this. "Why, naturally. To insult a lovely woman such as yourself certainly deserves to be punished. I'll be sure to put a word in with some of my agents..." Belial places his chin between his thumb and index finger, raises his eyebrows, and says, "Did you have anything specific in mind?"

"His precious little laws..." The White Jester murmurs. Her face visibly snaps back into a genial smile. "His precious, binding, constricting, bull-headed, short-sighted, unrelenting, idiotic code..." She flips a dagger up in the air, though it disappears. "I want it to betray him. I want following that code to destroy him, I want him to lose faith in it."

Key:
Paradox
Dani
http://z4.invisionfree.com/Nocturne_FtAotOW/index.php?showtopic=283&st=30

White Jester! The First Appearance

2008-10-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

I MISS HER.

DAMMIT PARADOX.

More than Shush, Soli, Cimba, Rose, Gabriel, Navesti or Shar, I miss the White Jester. More than the never-realized Nyael.

I can't find her character creation thread in the archives and it's driving me crazy. I didn't save a copy on my computer. Help. Please!

She was just...so diabolically amazingly perfectly awe-inspiring. She was, is, my favorite creation. I wish I could find a world for her to live and play in. I can't find anything to match her. With her rips and her mask and her chaotic unpredictability and...

If I was ever a supervillain, I wish I could be her. She's perhaps my only truly confident, powerful, chaotic, not-necessarily-evil-but-definitely-not-good character ever.

/sigh

A feeling not unlike sinking through water overtakes Craid as Raze warps him back to the world. For a few seconds Craid's vision is blurred and useless; he sees things moving so quickly that he has no chance of actually focusing on them.

As the spell finally ends, Craid finds himself on top of the recreational building. More precisely, about five feet above it. Gravity kicks in and he falls the rest of the way.

The recreational building's ceiling is a gigantic, outdoor swimming area, which is shielded by a glass-like material that keeps the air about ninety degrees, in spite of the area's high location. There is a large pool that appears to be well cleaned in the center of the room, with several lounge chairs and other such articles one would expect to see at swimming pool. Craid appears well away from the actual pool, and falls to smooth, concrete floor.

Utter silence fills the room. The water seems strangely still, and there are no people or demons around. Through the glass walls, Craid can see the state of the rest of the city, stretched out around and above him in ways that seem unnatural. In the center of this sphere Craid can see a roughly circular light that glows as bright as the once did; this is likely the moon Raze spoke of.

There is a stairwell nearby that leads to the lower floors. Other than jumping off the building, there is no other way out of the room.

“What in the…” Craid begins, looking around himself. His hand strays into his trench coat and grips the butt of one of his BlackDrivers. His eyes cycle through their colors as he looks around, at the floor as well as out of the glass dome. Red, Blue, White and then back to brown. The Watch agent lets out a slow, shuddering breath as he walks closer to the edge of the dome, looking out from the glass.

The sound of footsteps fills the air. From the darkness behind Craid emerge three figures, each nearly identical in being a bit larger than an average human and very humanoid, but appearing as if something out of a nightmare or horror movie. They are wearing regal armor on their torso, and the color of the armor is the only that that distinguised the three, being red, yellow, and blue. Their skin is pale white, and their hands are tipped with black claws. Their legs are covered with thick maroon hair, and end in black hooves. Their faces are like those of a vampires, and have two large black horns on the forehead that curve upwards. Perhaps most frightening at all are the two batlike wings that extend from each of the creatures' backs, coated with pinkish-brown skin.

The three creatures creep towards the human silently.

Wheeling around on his heel, Craid turns to face the three creatures. His arms flash into his trench coat and draw out both his BlackDrivers even as he spins around. The Watch agent’s eyes widen and cycle through their colours: Red, Blue, White and Brown. “Stop.” he says, as a quiet hum begins to emanate from his weapons, “Don’t move any further.” Slowly, Craid begins to side-step towards the stairs, moving in a wide arc around the sinister trio.

The scanners seem to pick up heat and infared signatures from all three creatures, in a manner consistant with three humans, if three humans were that big and had wings. The trio stops moving when Craid notices them. The three turn their heads in unison as Craid circles, and the one with the red armor speaks in a low, gutteral tone,

"You do not need to fear, human. We're not here to make trouble for you. In fact, we're willing to help you."

Craid raises an eyebrow as the creature speaks. “Oh? No need to fear you say? I’m sorry to disappoint but any fear I had was fleeting and has passed now. No I’m simply being prudent.” He continues to move towards the stairs, though he slows his pace considerably. “Where did you come from? This room was empty, it was empty and I didn’t see anything in the area around it either. You didn’t come up the stairs, I would have heard you.” Craid’s eyes flash briefly towards the stairs, then return immediately to watch the trio. “And I’ll take any offer of help from something that doesn’t even have the slightest clue what I’m about with a grain of salt than you all the same.” The gun in Craid’s left hand stays trained on the creature in the red armour, while the other weapon wavers between the other two.

"No need to be so hostile towards us, human," the one in yellow spoke this time, in a slinky, sadistic voice. "I'm sure Raze has already given you a proper explanation on what has happened. There's only one thing you need to be concerned with that right now, and that's your own survival, for there are a number of demons that could end your existance quite easily should they see fit to do so."

"As such," the one in blue was speaking now, in a cold, calculating voice that was a bit higher than the first's but lower than the second's, "we just thought you might like some...protection. As you can see, we have no difficulty in sneaking around without being seen or heard by mere humans such as yourself. Your equipment seems very advanced and very useful, human, but it can be beaten with raw power or cunning. Relying on it alone will not be enough in this new world."

Craid stops. He seems to waver uncertainly between motion and stillness for a moment; his legs make several false starts at moving again. “It seems I’ve traded one monster for three…” he mutters under his breath. “Alright,” he says, “tell me. Who are you? What kind of devils are you?” He starts moving towards the stairs once more. By now he has gotten close enough to the stairs to warrant covering the landing with one of his guns, which he does. “What odd altruistic impulse could possibly have driven the three of you to want to… protect me was it?” Craid sniffs as his mouth curls up into a sneer. “I somehow doubt that there was one.”

"I am known as Malesta," the one in red begins.

"I am called Phistal," the one in yellow continues.

"My designation is Sistophele," the one in blue finishes. "We are all brothers who are after one thing, my good friend."

Phistal is the one who goes on, shifting his left hand to the side, "Only a human can shape the new world, I'm sure Raze told you that...we're just interested in getting our own fair share of it. It could be you, after all, and having demonic allies from the start would give you a significant advantege, would it not? So it would be in our own best interests to give you that adventege and help you shape the world."

"Your equipment suggests you must also have some sort of training in your past human world that would come in handy here," Malesta concludes, waving a finger in front of his face, "these factors also give you an edge on the other humans, as the likelyhood of another existing with your degree of preparedness is unlikely. It also makes you a juicy target for the others once they get a chance. With just a little help, you should have little problem asserting your superiority..."

Craid stands almost entirely still once more, only his head moves as it bobs slowly up and down. He takes a deep, slow breath. “So this really is about killing a bunch of university brats, a street urchin and a detective who seems a bit touched in the head then?” Craid shifts his jaw slowly from side to side as he considers the three creatures before him. “Alright,” he says, “let’s assume I believe you. What makes you think I need your help to kill a bunch of kids if I wanted to? I don’t, mind you, other than being ridiculously trusting they haven’t done anything warranting death.” The Watch agent takes a few steps backwards, away from the stairs. “If you really think I need your ‘protection’ then by all means ‘protect’ me from whatever ghosts and shadows are lurking downstairs. I’ll wait.” Craid flicks the barrel of his gun towards the stairway.

"As you wish," Sistophele says expressionlessly, "but we'll be watching you for a while. Should the time come when you find you DO need our help, you should not hesitate to call out to us..." with this, the three demons slowly begin to back away.

“Certainly. Whatever.” Craid watches the trio back away and his gun hand doesn’t waver for a moment. “I’ll be sure to give your little demonic triumvirate a shout if I’m ever in the mood for company. Right now I’m not. I’m especially not in the mood for the type of company you provide.” He pauses for a moment, his forehead creases in thought. “If you’re going to be stalking me regardless I may as well make it easier for you. I’ll be heading to the university’s lab area. Go on and get a head start.”

"Certainly are trusting aren't you?" A silky voice comes from the pool, where a female humanoid clothed in a jester's suit sits on the dge of a diving board. On her face is a player's mask, and it smiles mockingly at Craid. "At least you're making them go first. I wouldn't lose sight of them, if I were you." She waves a hand across her face and the mask changes into even more of a jeer. "It's wise to watch your back in this place."

The three demons turned their headss to face the new arrival. Phistal laughs and says, "We Were not aware that YOU would be joining us, oh queen of chaos. You're one to talk about trust issues!" Sistophele and Malesta moved towards the stairs in a rush, but Phistal stayed behind and moved towards the pool, still grinning. "So, do you have business with this human as well, or are you merely here to mock us as we play our little game?"

"Oh, you know me." She slides a hand down the air, opening a rip. Stepping nimbly inside, she disappears and the rip closes. Another rip appears at the edge of the pool and she steps out. Waving a hand in front of her face, the mask becomes a simple happy smile. "I have business with everyone." She gives Phistal a deep and showy bow. "I would never dream of ruining another's game."

Taking advantage of the fresh distraction Craid pads silently, quieter than seems naturally possible for a man, towards the stairs. He keeps his guns aimed at the assembled creatures, one for the monstrous triplets and the other on the strange clown. His eyes cycle again: Red, Blue, White, Brown, as he watches the four warily as he moves. With his feet as quiet as they are he strides openly rather than sneaking inch by inch, as a result he arrives at the stop of the stairs quickly. With a cursory glance down the stairwell he begins to descend backwards, keeping his guns and his gaze fixed on the demons.

"Oh, dear, it seems your playmate is running away." The White Jester says, examining her fingernails. "Would you like me to fetch him for you? Or do you have it covered?" Her voice and her mask maintain their cheeriness throughout this.

His escape noticed, Craid throws stealth to the wind (though his footsteps are still unnaturally quiet) and turns to run down the stairs at a full sprint. His pace is quick as he tears blindly down the stairs and down the hallway they lead to. The Watch agent runs at a full sprint, though his breathing does not seem labored for it, as he turns one corner and then another. His eyes cycle between red and brown at a maddeningly frantic pace as his boots pound noiselessly against the tile flooring. His guns rise up to greet every approaching corner, only to fall back into a steady pumping motion after it has been safely passed. He steals glances over his shoulder as he runs, but these are few, his attention is focused on the hallways before him, watching for signage.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Phistal replies. "He can run but he cannot hide. Malesta or Sistophele will keep him under observation. Let him think he is alone out there if that is what he wishes for. There are eyes all over this world, he cannot escape my gaze."

"Ah, then I hope you won't mind if I see him a little while longer." The White Jester gives Phistal another bow, an extended arm making a rip. "I hope to see you again, though I'm sure it will be different everytime." She steps into the rip and disappears, the rip closing behind her.

A little further down the hallway from Craid, the White Jester steps out of a rip. Smoothing the front of her immaculate body suit, she gives him yet another bow. "It's a little unsafe for you to be out all alone."

The guns are up and aimed even as Craid skids to a stop. The surprise on his face is quickly replaced by an expression almost as blank as the Jester’s mask. His humming guns each let out a thrumming noise, followed by a short click and a sound much like a camera’s flash charging up before they hum again. They thrum again, sending yet another two slugs flying at the masked creature. He takes a few walking steps backward, sending another two shots flying, then he turns and sprints back the way he came, this time rounding a corner he had previously ignored.

The White Jester ducks fluidly back into her rip, almost as if expecting it. "How rude." She murmurs, though her voice is light hearted. She calls out the running figure, "Careful, you're running right back to Malesta!" She disappears into the rip, closing it behind her. She doesn't reappear, though it isn't definite if she's really gone.

Malesta welcomes the fleeing form as it ducks around the corner with a wave.

"You really shouldn't agitate the White Jester like that. There will be issues if your first instinct when facing against a demon is to go in, guns blazing."

One of Craid’s guns levels itself at Malesta. “There will be issues if you keep stalking me creature.” he says, his face as blank and emotionless as it had been when he fired the bullets at the clown. “Dead is preferable, but I’ll settle for gone” he says, shaking his second gun towards the corner he’d just turned. Holding his weapons steady, one aimed at Malesta and the other at the presumably empty hallway he had come from, Craid backs away from the demon and back into the hallway.

"You should really listen to him." The White Jester's voice says to Craid, leaning against a wall behind him. Her mask is a neutral line, and her posture is relaxed. On one finger she's balancing a black dagger, its point not even digging into her skin. "If you'd like, I could fetch another demon for you, a much different kind than dear old Mal or me. Though, if you want it to be even coherent..." she flips the dagger so the handle lands easily between her fingers. "...it'll be much stronger than I think you should try to handle."

The speed that Craid glances back over his shoulder is the only visible sign of alarm he exhibits at the Jester’s return. His head drops and he sighs. “Tell me, are the two of you just contrary or do you have trouble taking a hint?” His voice is angry even though his face stays as blank and cold as it has been since he fired the first shot at the clown.

A hand waves across the Jester's face and her mask becomes a frown. "I thought you accepted Mal's help." She let's loose an overly-dramatic sigh, the dagger flipping out of her fingers and dissipating in mid air. "I, on the other hand, am just curious about you." Another hand wave and she's delighted. "You seem so very...intriguing. All these little things living in you."

“There’s more than one kind of boogie man” Craid says simply. “Why you aren’t leaving me along doesn’t matter a whit to me. I just want you gone. Both of you” he says. Craid bends his elbow as he leans ever so slightly towards the Jester, “Intrigued or not.” Then he turns and looks at Mal, “Helpful, or as I’m sure is closer to the truth of the matter, not.”

"If you want me to leave you so badly, human, I will be more than happy to do so," Malesta says graciously, bowing. "But don't think this will be the last we see of each other." The demon backs into the shadows and is suddenly no longer there.

"Ah, it seems you've made a friend." The White Jester states, mask unchanging. "I'm not so fair-weather, my friend. Let's just pretend we're walking the same way, shall we?" She backs away from the wall, turning to look at Craid. "Whether you like it or not, it's probably in your best interest to get comfortable with demons." She shrugs. "Mal was maybe as good as any other."

There is a moment of silence as Craid looks at the empty space where Mal had stood. Then, slowly he turns to look the Jester over appraisingly. “Fine” he says finally. “But you walk in front, and you don’t make any sudden moves towards me or I’ll shoot you again. Good enough?” Craid tucks one of his guns back into his trench coat. “Well. Go ahead and start walking.” After a moment he adds, “And if Mal is one of the good demons than I don’t think I’ll be getting along very well with the others.”

"I did say 'good,' didn't I?" The White Jester muses, taking her place in front of Craid. "I suppose it's very relative, though not all relative." She shrugs, slowly and evenly, for the jumpy human. "I'm certain you're not so into giving out your name, but I'll hand you mine. As our dearly missed friend Malestos said, I am the White Jester." She looks back over her shoulder, and the mask has changed again into a neutral line. "Any name you choose to call me is fine."

Craid’s grunted answer is a very noncommittal “Mm.” “Walk” he says afterward, “We’re going to the Vibreel mall and I’m not about to waste time just because you might feel chatty.” Craid takes a step forward, towards the masked creature. Craid glances behind him more than once, as if expecting the other demon to reappear while he’s preoccupied.

The Jester begins to walk, a low chuckle emanating from behind her mask. "You really are amusing." She states. "Yes, I do feel rather 'chatty' I suppose. I'm surprised you're not curious about anything. Or," her voice continues, lighthearted, "are you afraid I would twist everything?"

“Never trust the boogie man.” Craid says by way of an answer. He pads along quietly behind the Jester, the knuckles on his right hand (the one holding the gun) are white around the handle. “Though as long as you’re going to be talking, care to tell me just what it is you find so ‘amusing’ about all this?” Craid increases his pace, his eyes scanning doorways and windows as he passes them, cycling through their various colours.

"I suppose I could dismiss that with a simple point to the outfit I'm wearing, but I suppose clothing is much too superficial." The White Jester chuckles, slowly spreading an arm out in a sweeping motion. "Only a few humans, plopped into an unfamiliar world, amassing armies, fighting tooth and nail for something that may not even be real? I don't know, it seems rather humorous."

Craid pointedly says nothing. His silent footfalls continue steadily for some time before he speaks again. “I’ve met people with similar senses of humor before” he says tonelessly, “They never find their own violent end quite as funny as all the others.” The gun in his hand hums softly as he walks. He glances frequently over his shoulder.

"Assuming they're not clinically insane, I suppose not." The Jester shrugs again. "At the same time, the afterlife could be a rather interesting place. I'm not sure, I don't die often." She looks over her shoulder. "Would you prefer I walk behind you? You're very concerned with looking over your shoulder."

No sooner has the Jester suggested a change in walking arrangements than a scowl finds its place on Craid’s face. “You stay right where I can see you. I wouldn’t be watching my back any less with you at it” he snaps even as he takes another glance over his shoulder. “Walk faster. Something’s following us.” He quickly amends, “Following me.”

"Aye, sir." The Jester gives a short salute. "You're smart to not trust us. We demons, we can be..." She slides away into a rip, appearing right behind Craid, a black dagger at his throat. "...tricky." Her voice is silky and dangerous in his ear, though there is no sign of breathing. Then, in a second, the dagger is removed and she is back in front of him, facing away from him and continuing down the hallway. "Perhaps it's Mal. I do wish to catch up with him."

Stopping dead in his tracks as the knife touches his throat, a small sound catching in it, Craid stays still as a stone for a moment even as the Jester appears back in front of him. He massages the spot that the blade had pressed against with the tips of his fingers, his gun arm dropping limply to his side. He looks blankly at the Jester’s back, then glances at his left wrist. He presses a finger against the top of his wrist through his trench coat. “Altitude” he whispers. He speaks not in a true whisper but in the odd whispering tone of a man who’s voice is proving to be loath to come in to work at the moment. He looks at the large glass window on the outside wall next to him for a moment, and then looks back over his shoulder. Finally his eyes fix on the Jester’s back and narrow to angry slits.

"Oh? Have we stopped walking?" The White Jester turns around to face him, her mask questioning. "Don't tell me you were offended! I was complimenting you, after all." She leans against the wall, arms crossed over her chest, one hand propped up to look at her nails, though they are hidden by gloves. "I suppose you're rather fickle about that sort of thing, though."

“We,” he emphasizes the word, “haven’t stopped walking. No.” Craid’s gun arm loses its slack quality as he raises the weapon towards the Demon. “I,” he emphasizes the word again, “have. You get to keep on going Devil.” He turns sideways, holding the gun in one hand like an old pistol duelist. “As amusing as you may find me I’m afraid the sentiment isn’t mutual. Our charade is done, we aren’t ‘walking the same way’ any longer.” The Watch agent slips his hand into his trench coat.

"We were playing charades? I wasn't aware." A wave of the hand and the mask becomes sardonic. "I don't quite think you would like to play games with me, Craid." Vanishing into a rip, the White Jester reappears in front of him. "Though it may be too late for that." She vanishes again, then reappears behind him, a ways down the hallway. "I rather like games." She slides into a rip and appears in her original location. Her mask is leering at him. "You should be a fun toy." With that, she disappears and does not reappear.

The agent of the Black Watch stands still for what seems like a long time after the masked creature disappears. His gun hands limply in his hand by his side. After a time Craid slips the weapon back into his trench coat. With a slow, careful look about his surroundings, once with each colour of his eyes, the agent continues on down the corridor. His boots tread as silently as ever.

Key:
Paradox
Alesch
The Nu One
Dani
http://z4.invisionfree.com/Nocturne_FtAotOW/index.php?showtopic=171&st=0

Perhaps YOU'RE the Problem...

2008-09-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'd like to say Pandora.com is the most amazing place ever and I'm totally enamored with it. If you don't know what it is, go check it out. You'll be happy you did. *happy sigh*

Something we've been talking about in class is reproduction, mostly of fine art, and how it can lessen art's effect, like becoming desensitized to it. This got me thinking about repetition, and the phrase "you say a word enough times and it loses its meaning." And I guess for some words that's plenty true. They don't really have any power or anything.

But then I hear of people who restrict their use of the word "love" or the phrase "I love you" when speaking to people they love. They don't want it to lose its specialness, its meaning.

Well, to that I say "Bullshit."

Some words will always have meaning, as long as you say them with meaning. If you're handing out the phrase "I love you" ritualistically, like as an offhand comment or manipulation tool, the word hasn't lost its meaning, you have.

And withholding it from people you love is only going to hurt them in the long run. If someone you love says "I love you" and you hold back an "I love you, too" out of fear of it losing its meaning, perhaps it's you have lost its meaning. If you feel love, if you love someone, why not show it? Why not express it as often and joyfully and loudly and exuberantly as you can? Why not spout verse or praise or sweet nothings? They're not nothing! They never were!

Only you can make "I love you" lose meaning. Only you can destroy something so beautiful. When you forget what it means, when you are miserly with it, when you withhold it from your loved ones, you are destroying "love."

Not repetition.

I Can't Express How Happy This Video Made Me

2008-09-29T10:33:00.001-07:00

Just Not Right Somehow

2008-09-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Do me a favor and listen to this? There's something...off? with the vocals in the chorus. I like the song, but something is nagging at me. I'm not sure what it is. And it's gonna bug me unless someone else can notice it.

POST DELETED

2008-09-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

What I had to say was unnecessary. Watch the MV.

Nevermind. I think I showed that one before.

Watch/listen to this one:

It's over an hour and a half long and I haven't finished it yet.

Anna?

2008-09-17T18:30:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

2008-09-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

The song is corny. Deal.

So, anyway...

Okay, I happen to be female (gasp) and I have reproductive organs and I suppose a "biological clock." Now, I'm not really concerned with it at the moment, but I can't help that I have an overractive imagination. And it takes tangents and runs off with them willy-nilly. And when I have a class about sex, eventually babies are going to come up.

Now, I'm very vividly aware I am not ready for a baby. In no way could I provide for, care for, or manage a baby. It would be highly irresponsible for me to get pregnant right now, I am well aware. This is not about me wanting to be pregnant right now, it's just me thinking about it.

See, when you're pregnant, for those of you who don't know, a whole new person grows inside you. A small, living thing becomes completely dependant on you, and you have to care for it, and you have to care for yourself. There's a little person growing inside you, and as they get bigger they hurt your back and kick you and give you cravings and make you puke, but you still have to care for yourself and them.

On one hand, pregnancy and giving birth is amazingly beautiful. It's the ability to create life, like being a small-scale deity. On the other hand, it's terrifying and painful, with responsibility and complications.

So really, it's like life intensified into a tiny little dependant creature growing inside you.

I am unashamedly teary right now because I've always thought it to be such an absolutely amazing thing.

Of course, this always leads into "Do you want kids?" and right now, I don't know. I'm not going to give a direct answer; after all, I don't know what the world will hold in the future, or how my personal world will progress. I know that it's kind of scary just to be alive right now, and is it really responsible to bring new life into this world so bent upon destroying itself? But...at the same time, how will things get better if we just give up on them?

I don't know the future. It's just something that's been running through my head.

!@#$%^&*

2008-09-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been involved in a community of people where you get a long with almost everyone? Where all your friends are, and you love it, and it's amazing? But there's one person in that community who just grinds your gears? They don't do anything overt, anything horrible, but you can tell they're a bit stuck up, a bit egotistical, a bit of an attention whore, and kind of an ass? And you'd love to give them a reality check, but it seems like everyone in the community respects them completely, they contribute a lot and they've been there longer so you can't do anything? In fact, sometimes they're considered paragons of said community, and you would risk ostracizing yourself by trying to take them down a peg or two?

It's very frustrating.

It also makes me wonder if others ask themselves the same questions about these sort of people, and they're all collectively shutting up or sucking up to avoid the potential fallout.

Murr.

Intensely shallow, upbeat, bubblegum pop here! Don't judge me.

Contrary on Purpose

2008-09-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

Music of the day:

So, I don't like being predictable. Some of you know this, some of you don't. I don't like to be controlled through it, and I don't like when people take advantage of personality traits of mine.

Take, for example, my insatiable curiousity. I love to know about everything and anything and generally ask questions about things. If people try to tease me about what I want, try to take my curiousity and use it to torture me, however, I immediately convince myself that I don't care. It could be the most important thing in the world, and I will force myself to believe I could give a rat's ass if I know or not.

I don't like to "lose" in a "battle" against someone. I don't like someone to get the upper hand over me. I make it a point for people to under- or over-estimate their idea of different parts of my personality by purposely doing what they don't want. Perhaps this actually makes me easier to manipulate. I don't know.

It probably does now that people know about it.

I don't like being controlled, predicted or labelled. It bothers me in so many ways. Unless I want the label, I will do my best to refute it.

I dunno what I'm talking about anymore.

Blah.

For Jordan

2008-09-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

I dunno if you'll like the song style, but I like the lyrics >.>

OMIGOSH

2008-09-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

MY FATHER IS PLEASED WITH ME.

You have no idea the kind of stress that lifts off.

~^-^~

lick

2008-09-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

I dunno, title seems appropriate, as I'm covetting the /lick emote lately.

Tasty.

Anyway, this is song-of-the-post. I keep forgetting to share it with you, Jordan, so it's going here. Unfortunately, embedding is disabled, so all I have for you is a link to click. :( Damn those disable by requests.

I was going to talk some more but, like my appetite, I've lost the will.

Blah.

EDIT: Got a call which could fix everything. Leave me with little time, but could fix everything.

Possible CA position. Double-room for one person. No housing payments. No closet-sized room. Just a lot of work, though.

Have until tomorrow to let the guy know.

Jordan, wish to talk to you, okay?

>_<

2008-08-31T00:24:00.001-07:00

You ever feel like you're messing up in a billion different ways, but you're not sure how, why, or how to stop?

It suuuuucks.

This song is me.

Urgh, bedtime.

♥

A Proper Post...Kinda

2008-08-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Haven't done one of these in a while...

I'll blame my complete inability to:
1. Regulate the temperature of my dorm room
2. Sleep all the way through a night
3. Spend one day without at least one bout of depression

There's more, but later!

First, my theme song for the moment:

I just realized, right now, this very moment, that we never raised frogs. Kinda disappointed, but that's all right. Claire probably wouldn't have wanted to touch them anyway.

I have two characters I'm playing in DnD games right now, Soli and Hannah. Hannah is an absolute mouse, afraid of everything. Soli is pretty badass, and it is driving me crazy that I cannot think of songs to match her. It bugs me to no end when I'm trying to imagine scenes in my mind and I don't have the right music for it. I'm getting by, but it's eventually going to drive me insane.

When I went to the store to get 10-W-30 (or maybe 40?), the funniest part was where I was holding two quarts of it in line while my friend Steve read a bright pink Cosmo to me out loud. Girl with car stuff, boy with Cosmo. Win.

College Sammiches:
Take two Ritz or Ritz-like crackers. On one, put peanut butter (crunchy or creamy, your choice!). One the other, put jelly or jam (mmm, homemade peach raspberry). Smoosh them together. Ta da! Sammich for a dorm room without the need for bread and messes and mold.

In other news, I want to rip Indiana's police a new one. Seriously, what has happened is unforgiveable. I need a rusty knife and the name of the officer who laughed off my friend's harrassment case, as well as the man who harrassed her. I hate people. I'm not as angry as I was, but I'm still pretty pissed.

Is all for now, ciao.

Something Lighthearted Against the Stress; aka BEWBS

2008-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

[11:46] JuiceboxDani: I suppose likelihood for rescue is positively correlated with bewb size iff the one with the bewbs is of a desirable race to the rescuers.
[11:46] Proven Paradox: Apparently.
[11:47] JuiceboxDani: wonder how that will work for soli. She has bewbs, but they're not much!
[11:47] Proven Paradox: Well, she's the only one in the party with bewbs, so that should work for her.
[11:48] JuiceboxDani: ah, right, you have to factor in the scarcity of bewbs
[11:48] Proven Paradox: Elet is the second character in group 2 with bewbs, and Firali's are more desirable.
[11:49] Proven Paradox: 'Cuase they're not dwarven and covered in adamantine full plate.
[11:49] JuiceboxDani: ah, right, accessability is important as well
[11:51] JuiceboxDani: this is a complicated equation
[11:52] Proven Paradox: But it can be simplified to "bewbs are more likely to be rescued than ~bewbs."

I know my posts have been short...

2008-08-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

I really have no free time!

Especially now that I have to look for housing.

Hopefully I can resolve this.

Will let you know.

♥

WARNING - USE EXTREME CAUTION

2008-08-12T16:38:00.001-07:00

I'm a raging psycho bitch atm.

Do not approach.

You've been warned.

Vacation Quick Rundown!

2008-08-06T19:32:00.001-07:00

Thursday:
Butterflies. OMG Nervousnervousnervous. Jordan is coming! Watch the kids. Last minute packing, last minute panicking. My mom comes home early, I abandon them for the airport, where I wait and hide because I'm cowardly nervous. And then he arrives and it's so amazing but I'm still nervous and would have probably been jittery jumpy for a while longer if he hadn't grabbed my hand to make me stop drinking water on the long-ass car ride. It's cold! Plans are made to buy sweatshirts the next day.

Friday to Friday:
A quad is flipped and people bleed. Puppy rips his rooster doll so we get him a monkey. Movies are watched, PS2 and Gamecube played. Boat is rowed! Shopping, thunderstorms, little privacy ever. Needed and eggcrate for my bed because it was too damn hard. Of course, egg crate was not purchased until I decided to sleep on the couch because it was more comfortable. Claire cried a few times and I scared my mom trying to wake Matt up to let him know. Max never had any accidents in the cabin because we left the doors open and he just went in and out whenever he wanted. One walk in the woods was taken. Mosquitos bite in multiple meanings of the word. I caught lots of little frogs! Or toads. Very tiny, two different colors, cute as anything, and I saved one with back legs tangled in string. Jordan is perhaps the most amazing person in the world.

Friday to Sunday:
Laser tag! And Panera. Panera before Laser Tag. And the Dark Knight before both of those. All of it awesome. My Gambit wallet breaks! GAH. HOW DO YOU REPLACE A GAMBIT WALLET?! IT'S FREAKING GAMBIT. Puppy watching, the puppy is a brat, PotC2 almost slept through. Beds are definitely better at my mom's and dad's than the cabin.

Monday: Last day. Subway lunch, Target wallet browsing, avoiding the inevitable. Made pancakes and for the first time ever did not burn the first ones. Huzzah! More postponing the inevitable. Finally have to drive over, abusing my bottom lip and tongue with my teeth as a distraction. Jordan has to leave and of course I cry like a girl. Which I am. But anyway. I cried.

My vacation ended in tears!

And yet.

Best Vacation EVER.

♥

EDIT: Help me find a cool wallet, people! The search is on!

/peek

2008-08-03T05:35:00.001-07:00

Not really here...just wanted to say hi!

*vanish*

slump

2008-07-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Exhausted.

Really.

Tired.

Small children and a puppy and getting ready for vacation and unceasing back pain and everything else just...

EXHAUSTED.

I Like this Song

2008-07-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

♥

Om Nom Nom

2008-07-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

Now seeing Dani in Max-o-vision.

OOH CHEW TOY I SHALL EAT HER HAIR AND ELBOW AND NOSE AND FINGERS AND WRIST AND TOES AND KNEES AND SHINS AND THUMBS AND FOREARMS AND LICKLICKLICKLICKLICKLICKLICKLICK JUMP AND SMASH ALL TENDER AREAS WITH HEAVY PUPPY PAWS WITH SHARP CLAWS YAY!

I love this dog.

Introducing: Max!

2008-07-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Puppy!

2008-07-15T04:41:00.001-07:00

Puppy arrives today! Is a golden. No name yet.

Can't wait.

Now I'm late for "work" so I can't say much else.

Details later.

EDIT: Oh yeah, my new siblings are arriving today, too. :P

Drug of Choice:

2008-07-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

No lie. I am absolutely addicted to Mentos. I go through an entire box in about an hour.

You see, I'm orally fixated (insert fellatio joke here). I love to chew (retract fellatio joke in a horrified and pained manner), and I love chewy things. Unfortunately, I prefer to swallow the chewy thing as soon as it stops being as chewy as it was originally, and everyone becomes positively terrified for my digestive system if I swallow my gum.

Mentos is chewy, chewy, chewy, minty and delicious, and I'm allowed to swallow them!

If I went to the store that much, I'd probably scarf a pack a day. And hey, they even look like cigarettes when in your pocket!

Mentos. Totally a drug.

Er. "The Freshmaker."

Wii Fit is AWESOME

2008-07-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

I seriously love the Wii Fit.

I've always had a problem with exercise. I lack motivation, it's plain boring, and...well, I could do running with my iPod, except excessive activity causes my latent asthma to suddenly rear its head and go "OMG WHY ARE YOU BREATHING NOT ALLOWED!" and then all exercise ceases while I attempt to find my lungs.

And since it's really not bad asthma unless I do something strenuous, I don't have an inhaler.

But the Wii Fit is great. It shows me how to use yoga poses and strength training, and how these will help me. I've been doing some exercises to strengthen my back since I tend to hurt it a lot.

The board is really sensitive, too. Helps correct your balance and posture. I apparantly put slightly more weight on my right leg, as well as my heels.

The aerobics stuff is amazing, mostly because I can do it without the asthma problems while still making my legs rubbery by the end. I like to do the step one. Perky music, fun pace, and cute Miis.

It teaches proper breathing for the exercises, and reminds you to breathe while you work. Everytime it does it, I realize "oh...wait, I am holding my breath!"

It tracks your progress and lets you lock other people out of it, so they can't go "omg what a fat cow!" Or whatever it is people would go into it for.

The only real problem is trying to explain to a lot of people that you are exercising on a video game. My dad doesn't believe it's good at all, or that it will work. Which frustrates me, because it's the first form of exercise I've really enjoyed in a long time, and I'd like for him to stop lecturing me on exercising when I am.

Well, that's it. I love the Wii Fit. It's awesome.

Soli

2008-07-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I'm trying Paradox. I just don't know what I'm doing.

:(

And yes, Soli is much too skinny in that drawing, but I did it with pen and I can't fix it, so just deal. She's supposed to be pretty thin, but that's just ridiculous...

I see a growing trend...

2008-07-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been talking about things I dislike or hate or blah blah, and I know it's a bit of a downer.

Well, here's another:

I hate feeling powerless.

I hate feeling like I can't do anything to make something better, to fix something, to make everything happy sunshine flower unicorn bunny sprinkles.

It makes me feel so...less.

Why I Dislike Going to the Dentist

2008-07-03T16:49:00.001-07:00

It's not because sometimes it's painful. It's not because I used to be in and out of the dentist office once a month for about eight years. It's not because I'm afraid of cavities or anything like that.

It's because I have the mouth-size of a child, and I'm not exaggerating.

Dentists had to use child-size molds when making me retainers well into my teens. Every dentist I go to always remarks "wow, your mouth is small." I have to stretch my mouth open, and it hurts. Because the dentist can't see as well into the back of my mouth, I get stabbed a bit more with the pick. They can't reach. It makes my lips ache and makes my mouth feel funny for a long time, all stretched out and loose.

It's also the reason I had to have so much work done on my mouth. I'm actually missing a canine tooth; one never came in. It's still in my gums. You can't notice that it's gone, though, because one of my other teeth seems to have sharpened and filled the position. I also have a small tooth stuck behind my top row of main teeth, just chilling there. You can't see it unless you're a dentist. Hell, I've never seen it, but I'm always playing with it with my tongue. And I've seen my X-Rays. If my wisdom teeth ever surface, the pain is going to be excruciating.

So, that's why I hate the dentist. Because my mouth is too small!

HATE

2008-07-01T05:29:00.001-07:00

Don't. Fucking. Do. It.

I hate being scared awake. I hate it. I hit my brother once for doing it. I've yelled at people for it. I've thought murderously towards small children who do it.

Knock on my door, lightly. Speak in a normal tone voice. Touch my shoulder. Something of that nature.

Do not yell. Do not pound on my door. Do not shake me, jump on my bed, or yank my covers off.

I will yell at you. I will probably snap at you the rest of the morning. I will be hostile and uncooperative because you thought it was a damn fine idea to barge up the stairs and start demanding information and letting me know I'd overslept and rawrrawrrawr.

Augh!

Srsly, WTF

2008-06-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

I fold your clothes, stop throwing mine into the basket where they will get wrinkled! Damn it.

Dogs I've found so far that I like:

American Foxhound
Appenzeller Sennenhund
Australian Cattle Dog
Black and Tan Coonhound
Bourbonnais Pointer
Eurasier (I love this one O_O)
Golden Retriever
Greater Swiss Mountain Dog
King Shepherd
Labrador Retriever
Vizsla
Wirehaired Pointing Griffon

Lemme know what you guys think.

I'm really enamored with the Eurasier.

EDIT for OMG Eurasier puppy.

.,mnjbhvgcfdytru7i8owba fd

2008-06-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

People are frustrating!

I accidentally took a chunk out of my left heel with a glass door, ow.

Boys should dance more, imo.

Need to do research on dogs, LF medium-large breed, little shedding, at step-father's request.

The smartest people can be incredibly dense.

Stubborness is hardly ever admirable.

I read my books too fast, and I need more money for more!

Debating to start a new file on my Pokemon Gold and say good-bye to my female Typhlosion named Cleopatra is actually a very difficult decision, even though I'm completely lost on what Pokemon I have or who does what or omg how does this even work.

RAWRIUGTYQKlhfi;jorvsciuhgbuwftefzUGKILaugzysyduolqj;aomiungzoLIghwlrs!

/frustrated

Quick Apology:

2008-06-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

My mom's house has no internet, so I can only be online when I'm at my dad's.

Thus why I am not online so much.

Sorry!

♥

Good News

2008-06-24T04:58:00.001-07:00

So, right after I responded to Dechion's comment (immediately after I pushed "publish") I got a text from my mom which said the following:

"Just so you know, Koda is going to a no kill Husky shelter that has a play yard and he will have others. They are also going to try and give him training and therapy...The pound will keep me updated on how he is doing and if they feel he gets to the point he can be readopted."

I am so relieved. Not only will he not be destroyed, but someday, maybe, he can come home.

Good-Bye

2008-06-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm never going to see my dog again.

He bit someone. Again. For the fifth time. He got territorial and over-protective, and we can't be liable for him. My stepdad feels like a failure because he tried so hard to train the dog right. He didn't even want the dog, and he ended up loving him. And he had to take him back to the pound. As far as we know, he won't be put down if any other option is open to them, but we can't keep him. Not with very small children coming over. Not when he rushes people he knows because for some reason he perceives a threat to his home and family.

It's so stupid. We have to get rid of a dog who wanted to protect us. He just...couldn't differentiate when we actually needed protection.

Fucking sucks.

XKCD

2008-06-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

http://xkcd.com/150/ Want.

http://xkcd.com/152/ Also want.

http://xkcd.com/438/ True.

http://xkcd.com/433/ For Laz.

http://xkcd.com/429/ Hey, that's kinda how my mind works...

http://xkcd.com/414/ Excellent.

http://xkcd.com/408/ Good excuse.

http://xkcd.com/397/ Don't be a science snob.

http://xkcd.com/392/ ...win.

That's it for now on my trip through the xkcd archives. Wewt!

EDIT: I lied.

Wait...what?

2008-06-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, on my actual birthday, I was basically like "Ah, no big deal. Just another year."

Yesterday morning as I was picking up my little brother, though..."HOLY SHIT I'm not a teenager anymore!"

I have a very delayed reaction time, apparantly. But I mean...there is no longer a "teen" tacked on the end of my name. I feel old. Not like "omg, I'm going to crumble into dust because of this arthritis and dementia is setting in" old, but more like...weird.

Perhaps I just miss the excuses the "teen" tag afforded me. Now it's no longer teenage hormones, it's me being an emotional bitch! This will of course also give my dad a way to say "You're twenty now, you should be _______." Not that he ever didn't say it with my other ages (like, all the time), but seriously.

Next year is supposedly the "big year." Some people are telling me to build up alcohol tolerance before then. I've had...four alcoholic drinks? Maybe? In my whole life. And not at the same time. I dunno, don't see it as so special.

Bah. This is all contemplation for later. I'm still getting used to the revelation.

Important Things to Do:

2008-06-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Eat more than one-two meals a day.

If a song is going to make me cry, I should change the station. No arguments, just do it.

Find out if Mae is coming out with more music. Need more Mae.

Keep track of everything when I shuttle back and forth between houses.

Make a budget. So I can afford another Wiimote and Numchuck. Nunchuk. Extra thingy. And a charger. And maybe Mario Kart for the Wii. Which is fun as hell.

Um...that's it. Maybe.

Blah

2008-06-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

I hate when people misinterpret my actions or try to limit me based on their arbitrary rules. Or if they assume the worst of me. Then it gets all awkward and I get resentful and...urgh.

I epecially hate it when it screws with a plan I have. I'm already behind; I'm going to have to do some scrambling to catch up, especially with this new development.

I hate people.

Ding!

2008-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm no longer a twink.

:P

More Chatting with Patrick

2008-06-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

Patrick: I hate mage gear.
Me: *painting a wall*
Patrick: Mage arena gear is so gay.
Me: Hey. Hey now. They look fabulous.

Patrick: I'd want to be a lock with the skulls and the red eyes.
Me: *still painting a wall, falls off the ladder at some point*
Patrick: Mages have to wear dresses.
Me: ...warlocks wear dresses, too.
Patrick: But they're like dresses of death. Mage dresses...have sparkles.

Espresso is a bad thing

2008-06-11T07:13:00.000-07:00

OMGHIIHADESPRESSOTHISMORNINGORSOMETHINGWITHESPRESSOINIT
ANDICAN'TSITSTILLANDOMFGAMIJITTERYANDOMGDIDYOUGUYSKNOW
I'MREALLYSUSCEPTIBLETOCAFFEINEAMGBADIDEA

If You Weren't So Interesting I Wouldn't Have to Double-Post; or Party Supplies and Boob Size

2008-06-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

Mom: Party supplies are here! *opens box* Ooh, the drinking glasses.
Me: Waaaaaant. (These are glasses. Made from a straw. So one end goes in your drink, then it loops around your ears and eyes, and then the other end goes in your mouth. Amazing? Yes.)

Mom: Here's the two kid-size coconut bras...sorry, Danielle, I didn't get you an adult one, I don't think you would fit.
Me: ...
Matt: She can have my coconut bra, because you're not getting me to wear it.
Mom: Her coconuts would runneth over.

This is about the point where I realized that:
1) My mother was freely discussing the size of my woman parts with my stepdad (*sigh*)
2) She expected I would wear the coconut bra without a shirt.

Parents are weird.

Please note: None of you may discuss boob-size in the comments unless you're female. I forbid it. And...go!

How to Have Fun Painting Walls

2008-06-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Cover the walls (lightly) with secrets first.

Then paint over them.

Nothing motivates you quite as well as trying to cover up all your dirty little secrets before someone else sees!

Comeuppance!

2008-06-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

My little brother is irresponsible, lazy and lacks respect for other people's time. I love him, he is my brother, but geez does he drive me up the wall. Today, I had to run to my mom's office, pick up paperwork for him, pick him up from school, drive him back to my dad's because he forgot his photo ID, drive him to the place...so on, so on. I'm always driving him everywhere and he's kind of bratty and entitled about it.

However, today I took him to get a physical.

"Turn your head and cough!"

Up yours.

(and his doctor wasn't even a pretty girl, it was an old man! Double up yours! I mean, it's nothing compared to girly gyno visits, but hey, I'll take what I can get. :P)

Well, this is odd!

2008-06-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

So, on a lark I bought a one-dollar swiss-army knife. I figured it would be pretty flimsy and useless, but I'd never owned one before, and it came in green (when I can't find rainbow, I generally go blue or green). So, I grabbed it from Target, put it through the checkout line, took it home, opened the package, and began to fiddle with it.

I don't know what all of the things are. But the screwdriver part works, and the scissors, and the knife. I figure that's all you really need, right? And everything works very well, like, better than I thought. Had to actually be careful with the knife part.

So, something I got for a buck was actually worth it!

Wonders.

Bwahahaha Double Post

2008-06-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Me: Shit. My birthday's in a week. *sigh*
Patrick: Ooh, the big one-nine.
Me: ...I'm going to be 20, stupid-head.
Patrick: Ooh, the big two-oh.
Me: *sigh*

Me: Hey, you wanna go see Kung Foo Panda?
Patrick: No.
Me: Why? It has Jack Black in it. As a panda. Who does Kung Foo.
Patrick: It's stupid.
Me: You haven't seen it! I'll buy your ticket.
Patrick: No. It's stupid.
Me: Paaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaa.
Patrick: *angsty teen glare*

Murr...

2008-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Kinda dead in the writing-ness today.

Tried to finish a post for 4 Haelz but I can't seem to get it to read correctly or organize my thoughts properly. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

I'm inordinately tired for having not done much that required effort today. Dunno what's up; perhaps it's because I've only had a sammich (a really delicious sammich) and some cold drinks today. Maybe I need to eat more. Or sleep more? The last two nights have been kinda rough. Tossing, turning, back hurting.

In other news, I looked cute today. My hair kept itself in order, my jeans settled nicely and my tank top just fit great. Too bad it wasn't colder; my tight green jacket would have maybe moved me from cute to hawt.

Tomorrow my hair will misbehave and my clothes will fit all wrong and I'll be back to my average self, but today I look good. :)

No pics, I have no camera, asking is a waste of time. Sorry!

Scanner is broken, or just being a butt, but all the sketches and doodles I want to scan now cannot be and therefore cannot be shared. Urgh. Hate.

I should really be transferring my one phone to the other so I can use it again, but I feel so very dead. I think I'm gonna go take a nap.

Ciao!

OMGOMGOMG

2008-06-05T12:52:00.001-07:00

BUTTON SENT ME MAIL.

KICKASS.

KICK.

ASS.

*GLEEEEEEEEEEEE*

Pressure

2008-06-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

I like pressure.

You're thinking of the wrong kind right now, so kindly redirect your brain. Ready? Good.

I'm talking about physical pressure, the kind that comes from touch. A person or thing pressing against me. It's...comforting, secure. I get lost in pressure. It's why there is always a comforter or sheet over me, no matter how hot it gets or how much clothing I have to shed to make it possible for it to be there. It has to be there or I can't sleep. I need something touching me, and clothes don't count. I use multiple pillows on my bed; as pathetic as it might sound I have to sleep holding onto something if no one is holding onto me.

When I am stressed or upset, my first response is to find someone I like, and hug them, or demand a hug. And I hold it for as long as they feel comfortable (or I feel comfortable) with the hug. It makes me feel marginally better.

The only problem is I want it all. the. time.

Okay, unless I'm too hot or trying to do something which would cause it to get in the way. But whenever possible, I like to be hugging or leaning on or up next to someone. Or at the very least something solid yet comfortable that I can wedge myself into.

It's comfortable. I like comfortable. It's comforting. I like that too.

It can also come across as mercilessly clingy. Oops.

I've always kept it toned down as much as I can. I would hate to make people uncomfortable with me. And, of all things, it's been used against me in the past. Apparantly, hugging girls makes you a lesbian, did you know? This should be spread through as many people as possible, so your friends become apprehensive at hugging you. Rinse and repeat.

That can go down a long road of ranting directed at homophobes but we won't go there. This is about the fact that some of my very best, most awesome friends, who are amazing, unique, spectacular and fantastic individuals, are hundreds of miles away. And it is seriously almost enough to make me cry. Sometimes it has been.

Winning lottery numbers, pl0x. I need, like, twenty plane tickets. /sigh

/nick Dani|AnnasBed
/me giggles

Playing with Templates

2008-06-02T13:14:00.001-07:00

This blog is under construction while I find a template I like and is easy to navigate. While I loved the Bears and Rainbows, it was impossible to look through the archives.

Thank you for your patience!

Music for You to Enjoy

2008-06-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Look up "Sara Bareilles," most of her videos are disabled for embed. Don't know why, but I love her music. Especially "Love Song" and "Bottle It Up." They're current favorites.

Once again, embedding disabled, but Santana Featuring Chad Kroeger "Into The Night" is one of my favorites as well.

Also, "First Time" by Lifehouse and "Hanging By a Moment" are some of the best songs when I just want to feel good.

Enjoy!

Gah

2008-05-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

I need to stop being so angry.

Or, really, people need to stop being infected by the dreaded "stupid" around me, so I can stop being angry.

Sometimes it's "how dare they," sometimes it's "what the hell," sometimes it's "who do you think you are." It can get to the point where you want to take people and shake them like a rag doll, saying "Why are you so thick-headed? Why are you such an utter and complete blockhead?" This should continue until they become productive members of society. Or at least until their eggs are scrambled or their sperm has blended and they can no longer reproduce.

Take your pick.

For the Win

2008-05-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

So, about that happy post?

Here it is!

Many, almost all of you, don't know that my mom married her boyfriend, who is now my stepdad. Super cool, etc. She asked if I was okay with it...of course I am. It's your life, mom. Live it.

It took several months for a certain part of this fact to suddenly sink in:

Oh crap, I have two new siblings.

Everyone remember Claire and Devlin?

If you don't, you're silly or a newer friend of mine. Claire is adorable and perhaps an evil mastermind, and Devlin has a memory like an elephant and some really interesting ideas, given the appropriate prompting. And now they are, legally, related to me.

Oh my.

Now, let's get this straight. Technically, they're my "step" siblings, but I don't go in for all that. Seems like a load of BS to me. They're my siblings, no step involved. Gabriel isn't my half brother, and Christina isn't my half sister in anything other than technicalities. I don't see why it should be any different for Claire and Devlin.

It's kinda odd, though, because Claire doesn't really know, though Devlin does. I won't get to see them until the second half of July, again, since they live in Ireland. I can't wait. It'll be fun, since we've grown closer after our first summer where Claire was shy, shy, shy of me. Adorable little girl. I tried to teach her to tell people "L-2-Play, Noob."

Oh goodness. I can't wait until they're here.

We're going to raise frogs.

Bittersweet

2008-05-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

This next post was supposed to be happy. I had planned on it, what I was going to say, all my exciting news.

Now...blah.

You know why I like WoW? Besides the obvious, you know, the amazing people?

I know what I have to do. The only uncertainty is in boss drops and the occasional RNG encounter. Right now, I'm looking at what it will mean for me to be on my own in a few years. Or maybe, possibly, hopefully, a little sooner. And I have no idea what I'm doing, what I need, where to go.

I hate living at home. I have my father and my mother to please, at two seperate homes and intervals. I get a list of errands to do which I never quite finish for either. I need to find a job. I've been looking. I just...

I've begun realizing how little I know about the world. I don't even know what sort of income is necessary to live relatively comfortably, or scraping by. My taxes have been shit easy since I started doing them. I don't know how much everything costs. I don't know how to go about looking for a house or apartment, how to look for a real job, anything.

It scares me. Right now I have about...$250 to my name. My family has money; I don't personally. I'm having the same problems at home I was having last summer. I can't stand it, I hate it, but I have to live with it. What can I do with $250 and no employment at the moment? Nothing, especially not when $20 of gas fills up barely a third of my tank. And hey, it's not even my car, and my access to it has been restricted anyway!

My birthday is coming up soon. I'm almost 20.

And I have no fucking clue how to live on my own.

sigh

2008-05-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

At the risk of exposing incriminating evidence to the internet, I will now say the following:

I hate sleeping alone.

I Don't Get It

2008-05-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

What possesses people to go to something like the thank you post and troll it? To say rude things and even talk about punching me in the throat because I'm being too nice? Or make sexual comments to me?

I don't understand how these people don't even know me and act with such malice towards something so simple. I respond positively to them no matter how much I want to rip them a new one. How dare they post that garbage in something meant to make people feel better?! But it would only make things worse. I can't do that. So I post a smiley and a thank you. Most of them leave. The ones that don't get ignored.

Then people count how many thanks they get! They deem it not enough or whine at how their list is shorter. I don't think they would be satisfied even if I made the list a mile long. I would have forgotten something. Or it would have seemed sarcastic. Some people thought I was being sarcastic anyway.

Really, guys? You think I was sarcastic?

And some people reading the WoWinsider thread need to get a clue. They complain about the three lines WoWinsider posted, without reading the whole thread. I can't believe how many people I had to reply to in that post and say "Yeah, what you say I'm missing? It's there. Go read it."

What I also don't get is how overwhelmed people seem to be by it! Do people really not say thank you anymore? Do people not appreciate each other anymore? Is it so astounding?

I don't understand it.

I feel like I don't get people.

I visit the thread often, I bump it when I can or it seems appropriate. But I'm not looking for thanks for it. So many people logged into Dark Iron to say hi, and thank you, and wish me well. I got an invite to another server should I ever reroll Horde.

Instead of thanking me...maybe thank the other people around you. I'm not saying I don't appreciate it; in fact, it makes me feel fantastic. I didn't do it for thanks or praise. Honestly, so much was going wrong in my life I wanted to just throw some positivity where I thought it would do some good. And I'm glad it has. Even with all the jerks in the thread, it's heartening that more of the posts are positive. And, though they haven't stickied it, the post cap has been extended on the thread so people can keep reading it, posting in it, and bumping it.

That's amazing. That's wonderful. It's happiness. And it makes me feel better.

Pieces of You

2008-05-01T03:41:00.000-07:00

So much of my life is dictated by other people.

Other people's expectations of me.

My expectations of other people.

Little holds on me people have, like long-lost pictures in my folders, or logging onto old characters I haven't seen in months. Phone calls from out of the blue, or walking past them on campus. A wave, a hello, a short conversation, a long conversation.

Disappointment. Anger. Joy. Thankfulness. Love. Hate.

Sketches. I draw so much. I still have so many angel sketches in my photobucket account that I debate deleting everytime I see them. Sketches of characters for guilds I'm no longer in, for people I never see or who have stopped playing and fallen out of contact.

Music. I've talked about my music being tainted before. Songs that come on and I have to stop, and I smile, or I get upset.

Cartoons. A single line in a movie.

Paint.

Flowers. I don't think I'll ever lose that little flower icon you gave me, Anna. It's my favorite.

I wouldn't give up the bad holds people have on me if I had to lose the good too. Sometimes I wish I could be autonomous...

But then I realize I'd miss some of the most amazing people in the world.

Stand your ground

2008-04-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

Stand your ground, pick a side, I'm sick of the fucking middle.

Losing friends is one thing, keeping people around who you can't stand is another. In the end, what are you more afraid of? Losing friends or finding out that maybe not everyone should be friends? That maybe not everyone is worth your time? That maybe some people should be more important to you than others, and some people will find you less important than others?

I've always had a loyalty complex. I find people and I devote myself to them. Thus, when they shatter my perception of their personality, I find myself unwilling to let go.

Recently, I've examined myself, and my loyalties, testing them, judging them, wondering who was actually worthy of it.

I've found some people who I have undervalued. I've found some who I've overvalued.

The only question is, who are you?

Odds are, if you can find this blog, you're not the latter.

So that's why...

2008-04-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Though I've tried, I've fallen, I've sunk so low

2008-04-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

And I'm breakin' on the balcony
Breakin' window panes
I'm killing the pain of broken hearts
I'm walkin' on clouds
I'm walkin' on stars

What if I fall
What if I don't
What if I never make it home
What if I bleed
What if I break
And I find that I can't take
The city below the citadel
Holding my own hand?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Are you proud
To have founded a brand new behaviour
With hatred and hurt as your saviour
But nobody's choosing to follow
So you choke back the tears and you swallow
Men who have ruined your life
You consume them with minimum strife
But now you have got indigestion
The antacid comes as a question

Find yourself another place to fall
Find yourself up against another brick wall
See yourself as a fallen angel
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall
Bury me standing under your window
with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move
I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block
they were gone by the time we (talked)

The night is so long when everything's wrong

Stress

2008-04-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Stress is a reaction to something you cannot cope with or are afraid of, or which places a great deal of pressure upon you. Stress originally developed as part of the "fight or flight" reaction. Blood is diverted from the main part of your body to your limbs (to aid in fight and flight), your digestion ceases, your sex organs shut down, your heart beats faster. Adrenaline is released into your system (also called ephedrine), to give you more energy quickly, and cortisol is also released, to suppress your immune system (which you are normally unconcerned with in fight or flight situations and would remove energy from the situation).

Therefore, constant stress levels without a consistent way to process the excess adrenaline and cortisol out of your system results in a continually repressed immune system, which leads to being sick.

A lot.

*coughhacksneezesnifflewheezecollapse*

Traitor

2008-04-15T13:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, a post for real. Since I can't do this in real life, since it would only make my brother's life worse, here it is. First, some background.

My brother had been dating a girl for a couple years now, going on three. They seemed happy enough. Everyone thought she was a really nice girl, and she seemed it. They had some problems, and they tried to work them out. One of them was she wanted to be engaged. Gabriel, my brother, did not want to get engaged because he did not want to get married (he is only 21), and she decided it could be a long engagement. My brother did not want a long engagement; if he was going to be engaged, he wanted to be sure he was ready to marry. Well, more problems came up, and eventually they split up.

Now's where there are problems.

She began to threaten my brother with retribution from her family. Her brother even apparantly offered to come out and hurt mine. This is serious to me. Fortunately, they stopped. Then my mom and my now-stepdad went to Nikita's house to pick up some of Gabe's stuff, since he had been living there while dating the girl. They were nothing but nice, and my stepdad took care of things that were too heavy and helped her parents out with everything.

Now the little bitch is spreading rumors around my brother's campus about him and my family. She's making it so my brother cannot talk to anyone without fearing they'll take his words and twist them in her favor, stab him in the back. She's a pretty girl, skinny with big boobs, intelligent, and has a lot of friends, so she's managed to work everyone but my brother's closest friends to her side, to make his life hell. She's making my stepdad out to be an ogre and my mother to be a harpy. She's painting my brother as a cheating, lying, horrible person. She's making him suffer because he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

The worst part is there's nothing I can do. I can't talk to her; my words could be used against my own brother. I can't condemn her; same problem. I can't beat her up and throw her in a ditch somewhere; I'd go to jail and make my brother look bad.

So here it is, all I can do. To my brother's ex-girlfriend:

You are a harpy, a shrew, a spoiled little princess who wanted her way. And when you did not get it, you turned vengeful and decided to rip my brother's life to pieces. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never liked you. I wish I had never thought you were a good person. I wish I could have known you would do this. And I wish people didn't believe your horrible, twisted, self-centered lies.

You're a goddamned whore.

Sicker

2008-04-15T13:14:00.001-07:00

I'm getting sicker and I don't know why. I did everything the doctor said.

Not fair.

Out of Sorts

2008-04-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really disconnected lately. Very out of it. There's this dull panic that everything is coming to a close rather quickly, and there is so much I need to do. But there is so much coming and going, in fact a lot more going, that I just feel...uninvolved. Outside. Welcomed and tolerated, but...discluded. Not on purpose, and in fact most of it would be my fault. But I feel like nothing is working like I want it to, and nothing is quite...right.

Everything sort of crashed at once. Even my dependable old job at Rite Aid isn't really an option for me anymore; I've been informed that no one gets many hours. So even this summer I'll have to look for a new job.

Chris and I broke up; I don't even know how to feel. It was the right thing. And I still feel...bad. Mixed up. Confused. Muddled.

Phil is going to the Navy in May; I don't know what things will be like without him. I don't know how long he'll be gone, or when he'll be back. I just know I'll miss him.

School is...some grades are good, some grades are bad. I keep missing classes either because I couldn't emotionally handle them or I haven't been sleeping well or I've been sick. I don't want to miss classes and I don't want to do badly in them.

I've been eating poorly and sporadicly, mostly due to being sick and losing appetite. I try to eat healthy when I feel the desire to eat, but it's not always something I can do or want to do.

I don't know. I'm trying to sort things out. Hopefully this feeling of perma-isolation will dissipate soon. I know I'm not isolated and a lot of people care for me. It's still hard to shake the feeling.

blargh

2008-04-11T06:20:00.001-07:00

Sick again. Augh. Why do I keep getting sick?

Headaches.
Cramps.
Back pain.
Sore and swollen throat.
Sore inner ear.

Missing classes is stupid, but I feel like shit. I have to go to the health center again today so I have an excuse and so maybe I can get some antibiotics.

I hate taking medication.

EDIT: Upper respiratory infection.

Hi Blog.

2008-04-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Blog. It's been a while. Remember me?

Yeah, I know, you think I've been cheating on you with my other blog(s). I have, kinda. They don't get what you do, and therefore recently I've decided it's time I should start visiting you again, dropping a note here and there. You see, lately life's been crazy, and I haven't been able to focus much on it. I haven't had any astounding thoughts, and half the time I couldn't even figure out how I was really feeling other than dead tired. Now I don't have any real time, but maybe you'll be able to help me out anyway, right? That would be nice.

I like writing, and lately I've been diverting it. You've been patient and waited for me, and you're still sporting that pretty rainbow and two bears holding hands. It's comforting to know that if things change, other stuff stays the same, even if it's just the layout of an old blog.

Let's talk again later, okay?

♥

2008-04-08T13:46:00.001-07:00

My headphones stopped working as soon as my relationship did.

Oh my

2008-03-29T23:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my oh my oh my.

So much to do, so much going on. I'm like a little ball of rage and anxiety and issues and omfg school work. Lately I take even the criticism of strangers to heart even though they're not worth it. I take things badly, I'm mad at everyone.

I just want all the goddamn bullshit to end.

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it's only in my dreams

That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world

If I could be king even for a day
I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way
And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made
Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

Taking things literally

2008-01-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

AndyCL:
Seeing the Adversary paralyzed, Andy rushes forward to finish her off. As he passes Haiken he yells out, "Hang on strong Haiken, I will be back to help you with your injeries as soon as I make sure she won't be able to poison another."
((He runs straight next to the Human woman.))

Frosty:
<> Before you do that, you should wait and see whtether the woman breaks out of the Hold Person spell. Remember, her inititve is higher.

Proven Paradox:
((For something like that, post conditionals. "If the human woman breaks the hold person spell, I will dance a jig. Otherwise, I will attempt to perform Hammertime." Stuff like that.))

Frosty:
ooc - What I'm worried about is the horse getting eaten by a Basilisk or something whilwe we're inside the cave spelunking. And dear god I hope we won't have to fight a hydra. We are woefully unprepared.

Firali observes the "battle" going on around her. "More like a one-sided whooping. I almost feel sorry for these sentries" she thinks to herself. She decides what to do based on what happens.

if(woman->status() == Helpless) {
______Firali->Move(next to woman);
______Firali->DrawWeapon_as_part_of_MoveAction(Scythe);
}

if(woman->status() != Helpless) {
______if(Andy->cast_status(Hold_Person, woman) == true && woman->pass_saving_throw(Hold_Person) == false) {
____________Firali->Move(next to woman);
____________Firali->DrawWeapon_as_part_of_MoveAction(Scythe);
______}
______else {
____________Firali->cast(Hold_Person, woman);
____________if(woman->pass_saving_throw(Hold_Person) == false) {
__________________Firali->Move(next to woman);
__________________Firali->DrawWeapon_as_part_of_MoveAction(Scythe);
_____________}
____________else {
__________________Firali->DrawWeapon(Shortbow);
__________________Firali->5FootStep(+1, -1); /*diagonal step. One square to the right, and one square downwards, as so to be closer to the woman.*/
_____________}
_______}
}

dumb school

2007-12-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

Week before finals week! omg! Sorry, I will try to be around more.

(T_T)
QQ
;_;

Stubborn as Hell

2007-11-27T18:49:00.001-08:00

I have come to a realization about my personality.

Losing doesn't bother me. What does bother me is going down without a fight. I may not be able to beat you, but I will make defeating me the most arduous, time-consuming, drawn-out process I can. I will use everything at my disposal to frustrate you and make your life hell. I realize this is probably why I enjoy PvP as a resto druid so much. Okay, so my attacks are relatively weak, and I'm a bit squishy. Good thing my heals are rockin' and my shifting forms can get me away from most of your crowd controls and slows. I can dispell poisons and curses and my HoTs are outstripping your DoTs. Sure, you're going to kick my ass eventually, but not before you're down to dealing white damage and I've gone through my mana pool twice. Oh, you crit me? Natural Perfection, bitches. Barkskin. Cyclone. Dire Bear form. Auto-unshift. Dispell or purge my lifeblooms? 1k life at least. I'm not gonna eat your face, but you're going to chew like mad to eat mine.

That being said, I have two pieces of S1 arena gear. I am going to get more. I am going to be even harder to kill. And I'm going to love every agonizing minute of it.

Now that I'm done being sadistic, I remember saying I would show what I've been doing on my slight downtime for a while (prior to break when I went Kara raiding).

Bellwether
Some...random girl...
Mangle!

And other things:

A lot are for people I've been playing online DnD with at Dox's RP site. The locks one is for Laz :)

That's it for now!

Where I've Been

2007-11-13T16:47:00.000-08:00

Jotting this down quick so you don't all think I've died or something.

Gave blood today, nearly blacked out/threw up. Not fun. :( Then I had a test. >.<

Tomorrow: katakana test, movie project due
Thursday: Nothing due that I know of
Friday: Test in Abnormal Psych and paper due for same class

Other things to do:
Clean
Pack
Other things revolving around going home

And sometime this week we're maybe running Kara...?

Later I'll show you all what I've done in my minimal downtime! You know, the time where I'm taking a short break but not long enough to log into WoW.

♥